still standing here

My grandfather passed away on Sunday morning. The funeral was earlier today, in the afternoon. It was hard but we all said our goodbyes. I spent the entire day serving people yesterday and not looking into the coffin where my grandfather laid. I wasnt ready. I didnt wanna break down like I did before. Trust me, you dont want that happening. It will give you the shock of your life.

I went and looked at him right before we went home lastnight and also today to say goodbye, right before they closed the coffin. No emotional breakdown.

As said, I'll cry everything off and move on. The bad things that have happened or are happening or will happen, cannot force my hand to raise a white flag. God has my back.

I missed the bus ride to Batang Ai, which was this morning. Mum already informed Sarah (our youth leader). Mum said that dad would send us there tomorrow morning. It takes three hours, so I guess I'll meet all of you (who are probably wrapped up in your sleeping bags by now) at lunch time. Cant wait!

I shall go and pack now. As for you stalkers who come by to read this blog of mine, I'll smell you later. By later, I mean Friday ;)

"I figure, if you're extremely passionate about making music (or painting, or surfing, or acting..) then it's because you should be. There is so much real and lasting happiness locked up inside the passion for doing what you love, and even though we live in a society that cares more for the effectiveness of an individual than his/her happiness, I still hope and pray that I stay passionate enough to keep pursuing something worth more than just being "effective". This answer has already become way too deep and hippie, but the truth is that my "musical talent" wouldn't make any sense to me if it didn't result in creative expression that is liberating, and something that is worth more than financial profit; any passionate musician knows this."

Do you believe in hard work or pure talent? Both! I believe that talent is a great way to start the journey, but that hard work is the only way to finish it.

- Cobus Potgieter

they just keep on coming

My grandfather on my dad's side was in a coma last Saturday. Mum and I rushed to the hospital. Thankfully, he was awake when we arrived. I sat next to his hospital bed, shut my eyes and whispered prayers. The same prayers I whispered when I was admitted in the hospital two years ago. They got me out of the hard times. I was hoping they would work the same way on him.

He was fine for a moment, but got back into being really ill. He's still in the hospital right now. Mum and dad went there again earlier today. A few days ago mum told me that he might not be around for long. I've accepted that.

Well, it has been really tough, everything that has happened lately but I'm not going to let anything bring me down. I cried them off. There's no need for depression or sad faces. Just prayers.

I really can't wait for the next youth gathering. I cant wait to hug Theresa. Burst of love, 3sa! And I cant wait to be surrounded by a hall full of people with so much love and faith in them. So much shouting, too :) I'm really happy there.

And I want to stay happy.

Goodbye, Sammy

Sammy passed away today.

He was really weak lastnight. He didnt want to eat. He just laid there. When I held him, he would wag his tail but you would know something was wrong because his tail was down. Vodka was fine, she still had the energy to run around but didn't want to eat either. We thought she must be like that because Sam wasn't well.

Before we left home this afternoon, I went to their cage and checked on Sam. He looked up at me and wagged his tail. He looked better than he did lastnight. I was gaining hope.

It's really funny how good times always end with a bad one. I thought that was over for me. Lately, whenever I have a good day, I'd always end up sleeping with a smile on my face, and thanking God repeatedly before I fall asleep. But things went back to the way it used to today. I had a really good time hanging out with Kenaidy earlier, (though Nelson left and Gurjit never showed up). But when I got home, mom told me Sammy died.

I couldn't believe my ears. I thought she was joking. Then I realized she would never joke about anything like this. It would just be so cruel. I ran to where Sammy's body laid. I touched him and it was as if he was still there. He wasn't cold at all. He just wasnt moving, wasnt breathing, wasnt wagging his tail. I held him for quite a while, still couldnt believe he was gone.

Mom said he could've been poisoned. Before he passed, there was blood coming out of his anus. Mom saw him die just a few seconds before we arrived. She said he was wailing and when his wailing stopped, he was gone. It must be a really painful sight. We buried Sam soon after.

We're really worried about Vodka now. She might have been poisoned too. She goes wherever Sammy goes. Eats whatever Sammy eats. And she's getting weaker and weaker. She laid in the front porch and her breathing grew heavy. Just as Sammy did.

I'm not mad at God. I'm just mad at the heartless person who poisoned them. I cant forgive you. I know I should, but I cant bring myself to do so. This is too painful.

Sometimes God takes away the things we love so our hands would be free to receive something better. I dont know what could be better than Sammy or what could replace him. But I'm keeping my trust in God. He would heal Vodka if that is His will. And if it isn't, I'll understand.

But it doesn't mean I've given up.

confessions of a dreamer

They say dreams are only for those who are asleep
I must ask;
What about those who are awake?
What do they do?
They regret, don't they?

I don't want to live in hypocrisy
like the rest of the world
who grow up to hate their lives,
who walk around complaining about their pathetic jobs,
who regret the things they have and have not done
When they were younger,
when they still had time and hope;
slowly slipping and losing grip
But are now too late to gain

I believe life is only as hard as you let it be.
Fight and you will fly,
surrender and you are damned

I wanna save the sick and the homeless,
The weak and the hopeless

I wanna save the animals and trees,
The generation,
The future.

Let the world face no evolution
Let the world face no disaster
I wanna save everyone and everything,
everywhere.

I am too strong of a fighter,
Too big of a dreamer
I have too much to offer
and I will never take no for an answer

Mock me if you must,
But when all hell breaks loose,
I know what I wouldn't be.
I won't be the one crying and falling.
I won't be the one who brought misery to herself.

My battle scars may never fade,
But at least I can live and die
with no regrets.


I actually wrote this last year for a poem writing competition in school. Honestly, I never planned to post it online because it was written in such an angry state (personal issues). But since I decided to have it submitted to the school's magazine this year, I thought "Oh well, there's no harm in posting it on my blog since everyone's gonna read it one way or the other". Besides, my Miri bestfriend have not read it yet ;D

His footprints

I get distracted by you
not to the point that I lose all my senses
I wouldn't even call it a distraction,
really
because you're nothing
of that sort

You're nothing
mean or selfish or arrogant
greed doesn't stir in you
neither does all things sinful

I love how you love me
how you love everyone
and everything
How you would do anything
to save

You bring the word Sacrifice
a whole new meaning
One no one can top

When you say
In every love song, there's a lover
And how you hoped you would be
just that
in my heart

It puts a smile on my face
you can never erase this, Lord

When I look up at the skies
I wonder how you made them blue
I gave up sleep
just to be amazed by you
and you never fail me

You have
what no other boy can take
or steal from me
It is rightfully yours

This love
This faith
This strength
These hands and feet
This heart

You have all of me
and I love you more for that

Gravity

I'm not proud of this
I hope you are
of yourself
You've got me coming back
got me caught in the middle

Funny,
I was always so sure of
everything
Doubts rain over me now
And I don't like this

You're like gravity
I don't like that either

As I led myself away
You tend to grab my hand
stand in the way
look me in the eye
but all I see is false hope
what are you doing?

You lost yourself
in all that pretense
Who are you fooling?
You're taking too long
And I'm tired

Your shoulders aren't
the best pillows
I've seen
Your voice isn't
the best lullaby

It's Thursday
but I'm out of your sight
I'm missing
Get used to it
because I'm done trying
You can never make up your mind

she who screams

my ears are beginning to bleed
what with all of your childish acts
you whine and stomp your feet
as things don't go your way

why would it?
for a person as such
you just wouldn't keep it in
leave that patience running thin
oh, how quick you let things go

and all for what cause?
what do you expect?

attention
you've got it
they all hate to look at you
they curse you under their breaths
their bad intentions
you have them all

satisfaction
you just can't enjoy
that anger leaves you
with an ugly face
were you ever satisfied?

are you happy now?

Update

Hello, people :)
As you can see, I'm back to being poetically possessed.
I'll be writing more poems now. Not all the time, though. And I might not post all of them. I'll try to post some every week, that is if there are any written or worth posted.
Exams are starting soon and by soon, I mean on the 29th!
I'm super busy. It's the year 2010, what do you expect, right?
I'll have about 2 weeks of exams and there's a huge chance I might not be blogging in all that stress. Exam ends on the 14th, I guess, I dont know, gotta check the timetable. Haha!
I'll keep you posted.
In the mean time...

spread love like fire!

if you only knew what your little girl feels

Why is it so hard to swallow?
I was made for chasing dreams
and I'll do just that
your only one
who created her own road
to walk on
Still you hold her back

I kicked and
I pushed my way
through
I see how you go easy on them
I long for that
Acceptance, too

Independent, yes
but I still need you
I cant do everything
all on my own
I'm just a child
I'm your child

Why won't you help me?

you can go now

Soon will it be
a month now
How fine I was
until I started thinking
did I not know?
I miss the person I thought
you were
you could have been
the person you are not


An illusion to believe,
I did
just a speck of dust
formed into perfection
You are
At least that's what I thought


All in darkness
the little girl whispers alone
I miss my old friend
here he is
he stands right next to me
I cant feel him
he's gone

it's amazing how you can give me a heart attack
and heal it in a second with your smile



I wouldn't mind having millions of that...